So this morning started off with a bang. There was one donation overnight, but I also received an offer that for Black Friday, an anonymous donor was willing to offer a match up to a total of $250, which means if we get $250 donated, he'll match it and we'll wind up with $500, or any portion thereof. We have done this while volunteering at NPR and it has been wildly successful, so I'm hoping maybe some folks will step forward on Black Friday and take just a minute from their shopping and drop off just a buck.
I also received a donation today from a young lady who gave up one of her horseback riding lessons just so she could send us a beautiful donation. I was so moved by a young person making that kind of sacrifice for us, and it helped cement my determination. I also received a letter from a young woman in college who has decided with the student leadership team at the school that they will hold a campus fundraiser for us. I am hopeful that they are able to do so and are able to be successful, but am thankful even just for the thought.
Later on today I started to receive feedback from some of my inner circle about this project. It was difficult to hear some of what they had to say, because the fact is, I didn't disagree with it. But I guess because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, I really have to go with my gut and do what in my heart I think is the right thing to do. I heard from some other members of my inner circle a couple of days ago who also disagreed with my decision making on this matter and offered up their suggestions. I keep replaying the phone calls and emails in my head and thinking "What if they're right?" "Does this make me a bad mom?" "Should I just cut my losses and leave?" "Could I have done something different or better?" "Don't I give people enough credit for what they can do, or do I just feel alone even if I'm not?" "Is this a bad idea?"
I don't know. That's the honest answer. I don't know the answer to all those questions. I started out doing this project not really expecting it to go anywhere. It's been successful beyond my wildest expectations. I now dream that maybe if we actually succeed at saving Leah's house, we could go on to help other people in similar circumstances--people who don't know what to do and where to go. I'm already thinking of ways to pay it forward and give back.
I sat and talked with my dad tonight, who is also not fully in support of this project. I explained to him all that I was going through and how I was feeling and how hard it was to cope with anything. He spent 4 hours with Leah today and she ran him ragged. She was so excited to have her grandfather here. But at the end of the evening when he said he needed to go to the grocery store, she started screaming and crying that she didn't want him to leave her. Not in a "it's fun having PopPop here" kind of way, but in an "Oh my God, you're leaving and never coming back, what am I going to do?!" kind of way. After talking with him about all that and more, he realized that this isn't simply a dollars and cents issue, but it is an issue of safety and security and routine and love, and he isn't able to provide the money that we would need to finish this off. He now understands that while I'm trying to grieve, I'm trying to manage a grieving child, and receiving calls every day from the banksters is not helping with my mental and emotional state.
Out of deference and respect, and in hopes of maybe soothing some of the hurt that's been caused, I've made a few changes to the site. I'm removing my husband's information from the site. I don't feel right about including his information as well as the information about Leah and me. I feel badly enough including Leah, but let's face it, if my ugly mug were on the front page, I wouldn't probably get a dime! I have also scaled back the goal of the project from paying off the mortgages to simply getting the mortgages current and paying off the second mortgage, leaving me with the first. As I sat and listened to my inner voice, it did tell me that maybe I was being a little bit greedy, and I've ready some comments on people's Facebook that said, "She wants how much!?" The money I'd still like to raise is a lot, and if we go above, maybe I'll go back to the original estimate, but I think I'd be more than satisfied with just paying off the second mortgage, telling Citi to take a hike and hoping against hope that Homeward is going to help me out.
I hope that these small steps will assuage some of the fear and pain and other feelings that may have arisen, which I unwittingly caused and which I deeply, deeply regret. I spent the entire day crying and feeling like the lowest piece of garbage on the face of the Earth. Around 4:30, the doorbell rang and the flowers in the above picture arrived. They had a beautiful message on them about how I needed a secret Santa too and now I have one. I collapsed against my dad and sobbed uncontrollably, which scared Leah, who was not convinced when Dad said, "Mommy is crying because she's happy." In my haste to care for my child, I often neglect myself, and it is so comforting that someone out there is maybe watching out for me and so many of you are cheering me on.
With sincere gratitude,
Susan
I also received a donation today from a young lady who gave up one of her horseback riding lessons just so she could send us a beautiful donation. I was so moved by a young person making that kind of sacrifice for us, and it helped cement my determination. I also received a letter from a young woman in college who has decided with the student leadership team at the school that they will hold a campus fundraiser for us. I am hopeful that they are able to do so and are able to be successful, but am thankful even just for the thought.
Later on today I started to receive feedback from some of my inner circle about this project. It was difficult to hear some of what they had to say, because the fact is, I didn't disagree with it. But I guess because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, I really have to go with my gut and do what in my heart I think is the right thing to do. I heard from some other members of my inner circle a couple of days ago who also disagreed with my decision making on this matter and offered up their suggestions. I keep replaying the phone calls and emails in my head and thinking "What if they're right?" "Does this make me a bad mom?" "Should I just cut my losses and leave?" "Could I have done something different or better?" "Don't I give people enough credit for what they can do, or do I just feel alone even if I'm not?" "Is this a bad idea?"
I don't know. That's the honest answer. I don't know the answer to all those questions. I started out doing this project not really expecting it to go anywhere. It's been successful beyond my wildest expectations. I now dream that maybe if we actually succeed at saving Leah's house, we could go on to help other people in similar circumstances--people who don't know what to do and where to go. I'm already thinking of ways to pay it forward and give back.
I sat and talked with my dad tonight, who is also not fully in support of this project. I explained to him all that I was going through and how I was feeling and how hard it was to cope with anything. He spent 4 hours with Leah today and she ran him ragged. She was so excited to have her grandfather here. But at the end of the evening when he said he needed to go to the grocery store, she started screaming and crying that she didn't want him to leave her. Not in a "it's fun having PopPop here" kind of way, but in an "Oh my God, you're leaving and never coming back, what am I going to do?!" kind of way. After talking with him about all that and more, he realized that this isn't simply a dollars and cents issue, but it is an issue of safety and security and routine and love, and he isn't able to provide the money that we would need to finish this off. He now understands that while I'm trying to grieve, I'm trying to manage a grieving child, and receiving calls every day from the banksters is not helping with my mental and emotional state.
Out of deference and respect, and in hopes of maybe soothing some of the hurt that's been caused, I've made a few changes to the site. I'm removing my husband's information from the site. I don't feel right about including his information as well as the information about Leah and me. I feel badly enough including Leah, but let's face it, if my ugly mug were on the front page, I wouldn't probably get a dime! I have also scaled back the goal of the project from paying off the mortgages to simply getting the mortgages current and paying off the second mortgage, leaving me with the first. As I sat and listened to my inner voice, it did tell me that maybe I was being a little bit greedy, and I've ready some comments on people's Facebook that said, "She wants how much!?" The money I'd still like to raise is a lot, and if we go above, maybe I'll go back to the original estimate, but I think I'd be more than satisfied with just paying off the second mortgage, telling Citi to take a hike and hoping against hope that Homeward is going to help me out.
I hope that these small steps will assuage some of the fear and pain and other feelings that may have arisen, which I unwittingly caused and which I deeply, deeply regret. I spent the entire day crying and feeling like the lowest piece of garbage on the face of the Earth. Around 4:30, the doorbell rang and the flowers in the above picture arrived. They had a beautiful message on them about how I needed a secret Santa too and now I have one. I collapsed against my dad and sobbed uncontrollably, which scared Leah, who was not convinced when Dad said, "Mommy is crying because she's happy." In my haste to care for my child, I often neglect myself, and it is so comforting that someone out there is maybe watching out for me and so many of you are cheering me on.
With sincere gratitude,
Susan
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