Dear Friends and Supporters:

I sit here this evening, five months after having posted last, ten months after having lost my beautiful Mike, and reflect upon the journey I have  been on.  It has been nothing like I expected, and nothing that has happened could I have predicted.  I want to tell each and every one of you that I feel so blessed and honored that you chose to give your hard earned money to my fight to help Save Leah's House.  We had children selling cookies for us, we had college students holding bake sales, we had friends writing checks, and people we never knew sending donations and passing along the website in an effort to help me save our home, not for me, but for my daughter.

In the end, you all generously donated over $10,000 to help Leah and me.  It was stunning.  You also donated your time and talents and gifts in other ways--Leah and I were both adopted by and spoiled by Secret Santas, friends came and treated her and me to good times together and separately.  I've had babysitting, I've had meals, I've had friends to hold my hand and dry my tears.  It has been moving and exceptional.

I sit here still in arrears from August on my mortgage.  My dear friend offered to do my legal work pro bono and has been engaged in battle with the mortgage companies in attempting to get a new modification.  She has kindly taken over this work so that I need not stress over it all.  Unfortunately she has not gotten word as to what's what and who's who, running into similar stumbling blocks as I did.  But she perseveres.

The bureaucrats handling my survivors case at the VA have risen to new levels of ineptitude that have left Leah and I uninsured health-wise, and has cost us lots of money besides.  I am grateful to the offices of Congressman Rob Wittman and Senator Mark Warner for helping to get things shuttled through more quickly than they might otherwise have done.

A good friend of mine has taken over my financial affairs.  As a professional financial advisor, he has helped me make sound and responsible decisions with the money I do have, and has helped me prepare better not only for my future but for Leah's future as well.

I have returned to school.  This semester has been extremely difficult and challenging, not only in the coursework which has been ample, but also in re-learning to concentrate, to focus, and to manage my time.  It has been a struggle, but I persevere.  My academic advisor has been exceptional at taking my class and helping me to know what path to choose, and as of May 8th, I will be halfway through my master's degree.

Leah and I continue to struggle without Mike.  I tell myself every night when I am lonely that I will most certainly call one of the millions of friends who says they are available, but ultimately I live for Wednesday nights for my widows group, where I feel I come home to my people, and Friday afternoons and my "writing your grief" group, where I also feel understood.  Leah sees her counselor only twice a month now, and has recently realized that she is adopted and has another family out there.  The death of her father and the clearer understanding of how she came to be ours has been difficult and confusing and tumultuous.  We persevere.

Leah is now four, and finishing her first year of pre-school.  I have affectionately dubbed her "Hell On Wheels", as she loves to ride her bike with a fury and is fearless of hills and garbage trucks and the like.  She is hilarious, uses huge words like "scrumptious" and "amazing", regularly tells me "Be cool, Mama, be cool!" and loves everyone she meets.  She is adventurous and sweet and silly and stubborn, just like her daddy was.  She loves She-Ra and He-Man, and has dubbed herself "The Whammer" as her superhero identity. 

I write this now not only to update you all on where we are, but to thank you all and to say that I decided several months ago not to pursue this project.  I received early criticism from several family members and decided that in the end, it would not matter, as long as the project succeeded and I secured my daughter's future.  As the months have worn on, new and different family members and friends have begun to criticize me over my other activities, and I do not wish to live under a shroud of suspicion.

To date, not one single penny of the money raised from this website has been used for anything other than to make the initial payment to CitiMortgage which I videotaped.  I would like to make this clear.  I would further like to state that not one penny of the money that was generously raised to send Leah to college has been touched--it is in a bank account that is set aside for her college and which I cannot access.  To date, not one single penny of the small savings account Mike and I had built has been touched.

My bills remain current with the sole exception of the mortgage.  I continue to live credit card debt free.  The government did provide limited federal survivor life insurance benefits.  The full amount of that benefit was turned over to my financial advisor and put into accounts for my daughter's future, with the exception of a small amount for each of my nephews and my niece, as well as enough money to buy a car and secure an apartment as needed in the future.  The remainder is being placed in trust or in IRA's for the future.  There was not enough money to begin to cover the outstanding amount of the mortgages.

Consequently, I have decided to prepare for the future instead of worrying about the present.  I will return to work in September 2014, when Leah enters kindergarten.  Until that time, I will continue to live frugally and within the limits of my social security benefits, which Mike paid into for years for just such an eventuality, and which I do not feel badly about drawing on.

I have taken a couple of trips in the past several months--and I will take at least two more trips in the coming months.  Travel allows me the freedom to escape sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, and it also allows me the chance to reconnect with family and friends.  I always thought, "well, someday..." but Mike's death has only gone to show that none of us is guaranteed a "someday".  I recently was able to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin in Texas.  I haven't seen them in over a decade.  Besides paying for our plane tickets, the trip was basically free, and it was an absolute joy to visit them, spend a week, and see the sights in a new place I'd never been before.  Next week, we will travel to Atlanta GA and ingratiate ourselves on my best friends.  In June, we will go to Ecuador, to which flights are extremely inexpensive, and stay with my brother and his wife.  But apparently all of this has caused some consternation in certain members of my family and possibly among friends.

I do not want anyone to feel that they have been defrauded or that I have misrepresented myself in any way through the fundraising I have attempted with this website.  Consequently, and because with the exception of the nearly $2,000 I spent to pay CitiMortgage I have not spent any of the money raised, I would like to formally issue a statement that anyone who wishes to have a refund of some or all of the money they donated to save our home will be fully refunded, no questions asked.  to request a refund, please send me an email at s u s a n k ( a t) m k o s i o r (d o t) c o m.  I have kept records from PayPal of all the names and amounts donated, so I should be able to easily locate you, and refund you whatever portion of your donation you would like back. 

For anyone who chooses to leave their money in my hands, as I have previously stated, whether I succeeded or not, I would use the money towards our future housing needs.  I have considered making a charity donation, but I felt it would be difficult to choose an appropriate charity not really knowing where so many different people would like their money to go. 

I do not wish to live under a cloud of suspicion.  I do not want people to see my activities and think "Well, she can afford all that but not her house".  I don't want people to wonder if I've used their money for anything other than what it was intended. 

I thank all of you who gave selflessly and have continued to love us without judgment.  I offer refunds to those of you who feel that I have been in any way dishonest or dishonorable.  I beg your understanding that right now, getting out and away is how I feel I can best handle the whirlwind of emotions and struggles I am facing.  I thank you for your time, your generosity, your feedback, and your kindness.

With love,
Susan and Leah

It's been a while since I've been able to update!  There hasn't been much new to report really.  Homeward America has gotten increasingly nastier, but I'm happy to say that CitiMortgage has become nice as can be.  Of course they still want paperwork, but I don't mind so much when they are pleasant about it.

I've been re-enrolled in my graduate school program, so I will start taking classes again in January.  I'm looking forward to having something to put my mind to, honestly, and hope to finish school far more quickly than I had otherwise planned.  The best laid plans, right?   But several of you have commented that my willingness to continue my education and better myself has been a key factor in your decision on whether or not to donate, so I do want you to know that I have re-enrolled for the spring.

The big deal yesterday was that a toilet upstairs leaked and collapsed part of our basement ceiling.  I called a plumber immediately (like we have money for that right!?) and he came over and found that not only was the toilet leaking but the valve in the wall was broken so we couldn't shut the toilet off.  He wanted nearly $500 to rebuild the toilet, or $700 for a new toilet, and $200 for the valve.  I wound up going for the valve and will look into having the toilet replaced at some point.  I know I can get one cheaper than $500--looking on Home Depot's website, I can get a new one for $130.  It may not be the world's greatest toilet, but who cares?  It only has to do one thing, right?

So I was talking with a friend about this and how women tend to get screwed and now that there isn't a man around, I'm going to have a more difficult time with things like this and her husband volunteered to be my stand-in negotiator.  I'm really pleased about this, since it will make these kinds of situations more manageable and hopefully I'll be less likely to be taken advantage of.

So I guess that's about it for this update.  Things are going as well as can be expected.  There are good days and bad, donations continue to trickle in and build my war chest (as my financial advisor calls it), I continue to consider the future, I continue to remember the past. 

Thank you for your support and please help continue to spread the word.

With love and gratitude,
Susan

So apparently Homeward America didn't appreciate my phone call on Monday because today while I was finally catching up on some sleep, they sent someone to the house.  I'd like to be angry about that, but frankly, I'm too damned tired.  It's the second time I've had someone come to the house--they deliver a little postcard with a phone number and ask you to call and talk with them.  I need to call them tomorrow anyway to make sure my paperwork has been received and filed, so I will deal with it tomorrow.

On the plus side, I paid my bills this evening and was able to pay my CitiMortgage normally, which really made me feel proud and happy.  Again, I am truly indebted to all of you who have helped me out of this hole.  I also got a letter in the mail confirming the money had been sent, per the video I posted last week.

I love the quote above, which I found this evening.  When I posted this website last Monday, nearly 2 weeks ago, I was at rock bottom.  I'd spent a night figuring out ways to end the turmoil I found myself in and the germ of this idea was hatched and here we are.  As I've said in a past comment, not only has the money helped, but so many of you have written beautiful notes with your donations. 

Just some of the comments I've received:

• I don't know your faith background, but the way I was raised, you love first, form an opinion second. Be blessed.
• Saw on your site that you were requesting $1, went "That's sithspit!", and promptly donated $5.
• Don't lose heart!
• I wish you the best
• I hope this little bit helps!
• You are a generous soul and would do whatever you could for others in the same situation
• I know we don't know each other, but I was touched by your story, and am so deeply sorry for your loss.
• I am so happy there is a little something I can do for your family
• I have been following your life, and I think of you everyday. You are a beautiful, strong woman, and I feel bad for you, but also envy you for your strength and courage.
• In such hard times we as humans need to stick together and I hope that this helps ease some of the many feelings you must be experiencing.
• I've gotten at least 4 others to send in some that I know of & of course spread the word to everyone I could find on my email list....I'm praying for you!
• I want you to know you inspire me and I am thankful for Facebook for keeping us connected and helping you in this effort.
• I am sorry life has been so rough for you and your daughter and hope that this is a start of an a great new beginning for you.
• My sister's husband died unexpectedly this summer as well. He was only 39; his birthday was yesterday. It is such a terrible, terrible thing to go through at such a young age. Seeing her and her kids suffer is just heartbreaking as I'm sure it is for you and your family. Adding a financial burden makes it just that much worse. Words cannot help - I hope sharing this site makes your life a little better. Good luck. May you and your daughter have a brighter future.
• Sorry for your loss. Good luck!

On days (like today), when my spirits are low and I can't find the energy to face the world, I go back through my folder and I read some of these.  I wish I could provide these words of comfort to everyone who disagrees with what I've done and send them on to them with the same sentiments.  There are very few people who think this is a bad idea, but those are some of the people I love the most and it is painful to know I've hurt them.  I balance that with the idea that I will have done absolutely everything in my power to fight like hell for my daughter and when she grows up and asks about this time, which she will not remember, I will be able to tell her that I did every possible thing I could to make her life better and that I had an army behind me. 

I'm happy to say that since the infamous Zopt incident, I haven't received one negative email, and I don't know if that's because I've proved my responsible-ness to people's satisfaction or if more Zopts are out there and they're afraid to contact me.  For whatever reason, though, people are kind and overwhelmingly positive, for which I am thankful.  I would have removed the site otherwise. 

I am still trying to come up with other alternatives and work out other possibilities for things I could do to earn money towards this goal otherwise.  I enjoy crafting, so the idea of opening an Etsy shop is a possibility.  I've still got a book to finish, and even though that process would take a while to not only finish but also see about getting published, I think there might be some money to be made there.  As recently as last week a professional journalist complimented me on my writing.  So, I guess we'll see. 

I guess this is kind of a pointless post but just wanted to share a few things.  Thanks for reading and continuing to support us!

So today is my last day with my dad here.  I knew that when I woke up today, I'd have to do some things that I had not been looking forward to.  In particular, I'd decided to call Homeward Residential to try and see what the hold up was on the paperwork.  I asked my dad to sit with me for a few minutes after we dropped Leah off at school and I called.

I got some smarmy little dude on the phone, and when I explained why I was calling, he was at first a bit solicitous about looking up why the paperwork wasn't accepted.  It then devolved into "You didn't put your birthday on the paperwork" and "you didn't list an address" and "your papers did not properly transmit."  My father lost it completely and started yelling into the phone such pearls as "If she didn't list an address, how do you know where to send the papers!?" 

There was something about the oily tone of this man's voice that just pushed me over the edge.  It's been hard to get through the holiday, and we were so busy and I've just been exhausted.  All I wanted to hear was "Your paperwork has been accepted.  We'll be in touch soon", but instead I got more and more of the runaround.

But the thing is, this website has suddenly become about far more than just "give me money to save my house, please".  I have made it a point to email every person who has donated money to us, and I have had some really beautiful email exchanges with people.  So far, roughly 160 people have donated over $7,000 to help save our home.  And I feel that I owe it to each one of you to give 150% of my time and effort to making this worth it.  I feel like I have 160 cheerleaders telling me "Go for it."  And so even though I tend to be very laid back and I almost never stand up for myself and have a pathological hatred of talking on the phone, I could literally hear and feel you standing beside me and telling me to do it.

And so I just let the dam break in my head and in my heart, and I put it to this guy hard.  As I began to demand some answers about why on earth the process was taking so long and why on Earth the paperwork kept going missing, he began to get a little bit evasive.  I pushed him harder and harder and eventually he started screaming, "It's not us, ma'am!  It's the government!  The government has very specific rules about how the paperwork is to be filled out!!!!  It's not us!!!  I'm so sorry!"  I responded, "Own it, you coward! I understand you're just the guy answering the phone, but you guys aren't making this easy. I have a three year old grieving her dad and you're giving me busy work?!"

I wish I had recorded the conversation, but I was getting so worked up that I was pacing around and around, so you wouldn't have seen much anyway.

Finally I said, "Since your fax machines are clearly unreliable, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to fax this paperwork yet again, and for a final time.  I have all the papers here in front of me.  They are filled out in bold, black ink.  I am going to fax them, and then I am going to mail them certified mail, return receipt.  Give me your address."

Well, he was practically stumbling all over himself to get me the address, which I repeated back to him.  I said, "Thank you very much, will you make a note of this on my account?  I will call you this week to make sure it was delivered" and was prepared to hang up when he made the grave mistake of saying, "Now, ma'am I must talk to you about your payments being in arrears.  You have not made a payment in four months.  What do you intend to do about that?"

That is when I really and truly lost it.  I said to him, "Do you understand anything I have talked to you about so far?" And he said, "I understand you are going through a hard time.  Why are you behind on your payments?"  I said, "As I have already explained, my husband has died, I am unemployed, and he did not leave behind any life insurance.  Between you and my second mortgage, my payments are $500 more than my monthly survivor benefits on Social Security.  There is absolutely no way to make this work."

My heart beat was rapidly accelerating when he threw down the gauntlet.

"Ma'am, I am sorry to hear all of this, but I must tell you that your application to the program is no guarantee that you will be accepted.  What do you intend to do?  I see here that we have already sent you a notice of intention to foreclose and that we have listed this on your credit score.  you need to make a payment and start planning in case the modification doesn't work out."

Challenge accepted.

"I have no money, I cannot pay you.  I would love to be able to do so.  I do not want to lose my house.  I do not want to uproot my 3 year old.  Particularly now that you have reported this to the credit bureau, my ability to do so much as rent an apartment is shot to hell.  But really, you have me up against a wall here.  You want to foreclose, go ahead.  You can own this property.  I can move in with my father.  I will find a place to go and you will be stuck with this place.  I am sincerely hopeful that you will cooperate with me, but if you won't, then you leave me no choice but to move out.  From what you are telling me, I have absolutely zero incentive to cooperate with you any more in finding a solution to making these payments.  Wouldn't you say that is true?"

Well, of course, he couldn't actually admit to the veracity of that statement.  He apologized again and again.

"You are going to tell me that Homeward America is in the business of kicking widows and orphans onto the street?"

He apologized over and over.

Finally, I hit mute while he was jabbering and looked at my dad and said, "To tell you the truth, Dad, I kind of feel sorry for this guy."  We were both laughing at how the tone of his voice had changed, his position had softened, and he almost did genuinely seem sorry for what was happening.

The phone call ended and that was the end of that.  I have never in my life spoken to anyone the way I spoke to that man today.  It was empowering and I felt so triumphant, like maybe I could do it again if I needed to.

And so for that, friends and donors, I must thank you.  You give me strength and courage to fight another day, to get up and get moving and put my best foot forward because it is an honor and a tribute to all of you who have believed in us and helped us when you did not need to.

Thank you so much, more than words can possibly say,
Susan

So Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It was hard, but not quite as hard as I thought it might be.  I gave myself several breaks just to breathe and try to allow myself time to grieve, which I found helpful.  My family was wonderfully supportive and helpful.

Still, I suppose there were thoughts of "will we get to do this here next year?" going through my mind all day.  Checking the mail today I got yet another package from the mortgage company with the same paperwork I've continued to fill out time and again.  I think this marks the 4th time for Homeward Residential I've filled out this particular packet.  Dad and I are going to call them on Monday and start harassing them, because of course, the turkey had barely cooled and they've started calling again already, wanting to know about the payments I'm not prepared to make.

The donations have largely dried up.  The match period was pretty successful yesterday, with $70 coming in and being matched for a total of $140.  I was happy with that.

I'm not sure about website traffic, whether that has dropped off as well.  So I'm issuing a plea to re-post links to your Twitter and Facebook and ask others to re-post whether they can donate a dollar or not.

I've had one idea that I would appreciate feedback on!  Vista Print has great deals on printing business cards.  You can get 250 free.  I was thinking of having some made and shipping them to friends around the country and around the world.  Would you be willing to put 10 in prominent places where they'd be easily found?  It might be a cheap and efficient way of spreading the word by low tech means.  Do you have ideas about what else we can do to spread the word and get people's interest again?  Use the contact form to submit your ideas or leave a comment on the blog!

In other news, I have been adopted by a secret Santa this year as well.  I have been immensely blessed by the contact I've had with this person or persons--I suspect there is more than one individual here at work.  We received a package already with some gifts for Leah and a gift card.  I know our families are planning on being plenty generous--both Mike's side and my own--but it's nice to know that if I don't want to, I don't have to go Christmas shopping this year and whatnot.  Christmas cards were something Mike and I always did the weekend after everyone left from Thanksgiving, so I'm debating whether or not I am going to do them this year.  In a sense I've felt that I should return all this goodwill of which I've been a recipient.  On the other hand, to do it myself feels heartbreaking and I have yet to finish my thank you notes from the summer, so probably I should consider finishing them off before I stress about them any further!

But my Secret Santa emails me every day with pretty keen insights into my character.  Whoever is behind the whole thing is genuinely interested in helping me have a good holiday and beyond and has taken the time to really get to know me--I filled out a lengthy questionnaire about myself, which was hard since I felt like it was a bit "gimme"-ish.  But then I figured I would just answer honestly and let whoever is my secret Santa do what they wanted with the information.  It really is reaffirming that a presumed stranger cares so much for me right now.  It has been a lift to the spirits, to say the least.

So this week, I hope to get the interest back up in the site, get the word out some more.  My sister and i have been discussing starting a foundation from this and her goal for us is to save 100 homes for people in similar circumstances to mine.  The more we talk to people, the more we realize I am hardly unique or alone in my circumstances.  What does make me unique is my willingness to publicly announce that I need help and to accept help in whatever forms it takes.  In addition to the financial assistance I've received thus far, I've also received a lot of legal advice, community resources and information, and offers of places to go visit and get away from it all.  Dad and I have a lot of calls to make on Monday so that I can find out what else I can be doing about this mortgage situation and hopefully getting it resolved, and lots of ideas that I never would have thought of. (Maybe I'll record my next call to Homeward America so you can all hear the runaround I've been getting!)

I am so thankful to all of you for helping me to get to this point in less than 1 week's time, which I really find extraordinary.  In December, I will be able to make my CitiMortgage payment and continuing to keep that current is my goal.  I got a letter in the mail from them today that they have received my paperwork and we should hear from them and get somewhere in the next 30 days.  I read this article in the Washington Post yesterday, and it really addresses our situation beautifully.  I hope the President will address the situation because it is true--underwater mortgages undermine the ability of the mortgagee to do much of anything but continue to throw money into a black hole.

I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and have a great Christmas season--I'm looking forward to the things I'll be doing in December including singing with my choir, going to a bajillion Christmas pageants, and bringing Christmas goodies to the neighbors to thank them for their assistance this year.  We are blessed in a million ways. 

So this morning started off with a bang.  There was one donation overnight, but I also received an offer that for Black Friday, an anonymous donor was willing to offer a match up to a total of $250, which means if we get $250 donated, he'll match it and we'll wind up with $500, or any portion thereof.  We have done this while volunteering at NPR and it has been wildly successful, so I'm hoping maybe some folks will step forward on Black Friday and take just a minute from their shopping and drop off just a buck. 

I also received a donation today from a young lady who gave up one of her horseback riding lessons just so she could send us a beautiful donation.  I was so moved by a young person making that kind of sacrifice for us, and it helped cement my determination.  I also received a letter from a young woman in college who has decided with the student leadership team at the school that they will hold a campus fundraiser for us.  I am hopeful that they are able to do so and are able to be successful, but am thankful even just for the thought.

Later on today I started to receive feedback from some of my inner circle about this project.  It was difficult to hear some of what they had to say, because the fact is, I didn't disagree with it.  But I guess because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, I really have to go with my gut and do what in my heart I think is the right thing to do.  I heard from some other members of my inner circle a couple of days ago who also disagreed with my decision making on this matter and offered up their suggestions.  I keep replaying the phone calls and emails in my head and thinking "What if they're right?"  "Does this make me a bad mom?"  "Should I just cut my losses and leave?"  "Could I have done something different or better?"  "Don't I give people enough credit for what they can do, or do I just feel alone even if I'm not?"  "Is this a bad idea?"

I don't know.  That's the honest answer.  I don't know the answer to all those questions.  I started out doing this project not really expecting it to go anywhere.  It's been successful beyond my wildest expectations.  I now dream that maybe if we actually succeed at saving Leah's house, we could go on to help other people in similar circumstances--people who don't know what to do and where to go.  I'm already thinking of ways to pay it forward and give back.

I sat and talked with my dad tonight, who is also not fully in support of this project. I explained to him all that I was going through and how I was feeling and how hard it was to cope with anything.  He spent 4 hours with Leah today and she ran him ragged.  She was so excited to have her grandfather here.  But at the end of the evening when he said he needed to go to the grocery store, she started screaming and crying that she didn't want him to leave her.  Not in a "it's fun having PopPop here" kind of way, but in an "Oh my God, you're leaving and never coming back, what am I going to do?!" kind of way.  After talking with him about all that and more, he realized that this isn't simply a dollars and cents issue, but it is an issue of safety and security and routine and love, and he isn't able to provide the money that we would need to finish this off.  He now understands that while I'm trying to grieve, I'm trying to manage a grieving child, and receiving calls every day from the banksters is not helping with my mental and emotional state.

Out of deference and respect, and in hopes of maybe soothing some of the hurt that's been caused, I've made a few changes to the site.  I'm removing my husband's information from the site.  I don't feel right about including his information as well as the information about Leah and me.  I feel badly enough including Leah, but let's face it, if my ugly mug were on the front page, I wouldn't probably get a dime!  I have also scaled back the goal of the project from paying off the mortgages to simply getting the mortgages current and paying off the second mortgage, leaving me with the first.  As I sat and listened to my inner voice, it did tell me that maybe I was being a little bit greedy, and I've ready some comments on people's Facebook that said, "She wants how much!?"  The money I'd still like to raise is a lot, and if we go above, maybe I'll go back to the original estimate, but I think I'd be more than satisfied with just paying off the second mortgage, telling Citi to take a hike and hoping against hope that Homeward is going to help me out.

I hope that these small steps will assuage some of the fear and pain and other feelings that may have arisen, which I unwittingly caused and which I deeply, deeply regret.  I spent the entire day crying and feeling like the lowest piece of garbage on the face of the Earth.  Around 4:30, the doorbell rang and the flowers in the above picture arrived.  They had a beautiful message on them about how I needed a secret Santa too and now I have one.  I collapsed against my dad and sobbed uncontrollably, which scared Leah, who was not convinced when Dad said, "Mommy is crying because she's happy."  In my haste to care for my child, I often neglect myself, and it is so comforting that someone out there is maybe watching out for me and so many of you are cheering me on.

With sincere gratitude,
Susan

So overnight, I got my first submission on the "contact us" form from a young lady named Amanda Zopt, who stated:

Hello,

I'm sorry about the misfortunes going on in your life. I wish you and your beautiful girl the best of luck.

However, I must comment that I cannot donate to your cause because you are not working. You can get some assistance to put your daughter in daycare while you work either day shift or night shift and finish your masters opposite of your work schedule.

I have been working through two jobs and going to law school full time so that I can have a better future! I'm not going to contribute to someone who won't work to help pay off your debt.

I'm sorry but I had to tell you how I feel.

Good Luck,

Amanda
[email protected]

I'm not sure if Amanda is a real person or someone hiding behind a name, but I do feel that this is a valid email and a valid point.  I am not, however, sure if she ever read the entire website.

In the past year, we burned through our savings with mishap after mishap costing us approximately $18,300.  Had those things not happened, I would be paying our mortgage right now out of that savings.  The fact is, we were able to come through all that without one dime of credit card debt.  We have always been responsible with money, and to date, I have not accrued one dime of credit card debt.  All of my other bills are current--our utilities are not in danger of being shut off, our taxes are current, insurance is paid for.  Because the fact is that I have been extremely responsible during this time.  I haven't spent any money I didn't have and taken frivolous vacations, bought new clothes, I'm still driving the same old beater I was.  The fact is, the only income I am receiving right now is Social Security, and if I return to work, I lose that as well.  And while it isn't much, compared to a job I could quickly and easily get (checker at Walmart, for instance), it's a heck of a lot.

I have not yet paid for Mike's funeral expenses.  The funeral home has been extremely kind and patient with the process.  Thank you, Mullins and Thompson, and especially Todd Gerace.

I am working with a financial planner, Jeff Smith at The Insurance Smith.  Not only is he helping me with the present issues I am facing, he's helping me in planning for the future. 

I am working with the banks to modify my home loan.  Unfortunately, the banks do NOT make this process easy.  They claim that I have sent paperwork in with ink that doesn't fax properly, that I got my birthday wrong on the paperwork, that I didn't submit the modification form (again, who submits modification paperwork and doesn't submit the form!?), that the other bank's name was not on the mortgage statements I provided.  As soon as the modification is complete, I will begin to make payments again provided this doesn't work.  If we're only part way to the goal of erasing my mortgage, I will match every dollar people are generous enough to give me.

I am not the mother of a typical 3 year old.  I am the mother of a 3 year old whose father died in front of her.  She is seeing a wonderful counselor at Mary Washington Hospice to get help with her anxiety, grief, and separation issues, but she literally gets hysterical if I go to the bathroom and dare to shut the door.  I send her to pre-school 3 days a week, and lately they've had to pry her off my leg.  Sending her to day care is not an option right now.  Anyone with half a heart and a little human compassion should be able to understand that.

I'm not angry with people who come and don't donate, I'm not even angry with Amanda, whoever she is.  I just ask that you please don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.  I hate that I have resorted to this, and it is extremely humbling to have received nearly $4000 in less than 24 hours and to know that people are taking a chance on me and my daughter.

All I can ask is that you donate a dollar and share the link or spread the tag #saveleahshouse or you just go about your business and leave us to ours.

Thank you so much.

So, it's 9pm.  I posted the link to Facebook around 3 o'clock this afternoon with grave reservations as to whether or not this would actually work.

My friends immediately picked up the story and ran with it, posting it around Facebook like wildfire.  As of this evening, I have had 43 of my 286 friends post the link to their Facebook and several have gone to town on Twitter with it as well.  Of those, I know a number who have had friends re-post, so we are definitely on our way!  As of the time of this writing, we are at just about $2700 received, and I am now able to bring my CitiBank mortgage current.  I plan to transfer the funds in the morning, call CitiBank, and bring my account to date. 

There have been several large donations from friends, one for $1000 and one for $500.  Those moved me to great gulping sobs and tears, as those donors were so generous when Mike died that the idea of their generosity now to that extent is enormous and overwhelming.  Thank you so much.

I have received 3 or 4 $1 donations, which is what I expected to get more of--and those have made me smile so much.  I feel the spirit of what I asked being sent through in those dollar bills, and it's so moving to get those donations.  Thank you so much.

I have also accepted a friend's offer to be Leah's secret Santa this year.  Said friend took down colors, sizes, interests, and promised to make her Christmas extra special.  I believe it.  The love that this little girl should feel from all around us is nothing short of extraordinary.  Thank you so much.

Last night, I had reached a breaking point.  I literally sat on the floor, my body wracked with sobs, and I just started screaming, "I can't do this!"  I scared myself, and I scared Leah.

Tonight, I have hope in my heart.  I can go to sleep secure in knowing that we have at least some relief and I just feel hopeful that more is coming our way.  People have given me such good ideas about different avenues to try and I've received so many messages of love.  It's been extraordinary.

Thank you to all who have either donated or passed our link along.  I am proud that you have chosen to send even a dollar my way.  It is humbling to be trusted with even a penny of someone else's money and while I am dedicated to ensuring that the money is spent only as you all would like, and to the idea of helping others in the future, I am mindful of the fact that first and foremost, you are choosing to help that sweet little girl who some of you don't even know, and who may never know the full extent of what you have done for her.  I will endeavor to do all I can to ensure her gratitude moving forward.

With gratitude,
Susan Kosior

At present, this is the best way I can figure out that we can update everyone on our progress.  So far, I have built the site and plan to have a couple of people proofread it and give feedback and suggestions before taking it live.