So Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It was hard, but not quite as hard as I thought it might be.  I gave myself several breaks just to breathe and try to allow myself time to grieve, which I found helpful.  My family was wonderfully supportive and helpful.

Still, I suppose there were thoughts of "will we get to do this here next year?" going through my mind all day.  Checking the mail today I got yet another package from the mortgage company with the same paperwork I've continued to fill out time and again.  I think this marks the 4th time for Homeward Residential I've filled out this particular packet.  Dad and I are going to call them on Monday and start harassing them, because of course, the turkey had barely cooled and they've started calling again already, wanting to know about the payments I'm not prepared to make.

The donations have largely dried up.  The match period was pretty successful yesterday, with $70 coming in and being matched for a total of $140.  I was happy with that.

I'm not sure about website traffic, whether that has dropped off as well.  So I'm issuing a plea to re-post links to your Twitter and Facebook and ask others to re-post whether they can donate a dollar or not.

I've had one idea that I would appreciate feedback on!  Vista Print has great deals on printing business cards.  You can get 250 free.  I was thinking of having some made and shipping them to friends around the country and around the world.  Would you be willing to put 10 in prominent places where they'd be easily found?  It might be a cheap and efficient way of spreading the word by low tech means.  Do you have ideas about what else we can do to spread the word and get people's interest again?  Use the contact form to submit your ideas or leave a comment on the blog!

In other news, I have been adopted by a secret Santa this year as well.  I have been immensely blessed by the contact I've had with this person or persons--I suspect there is more than one individual here at work.  We received a package already with some gifts for Leah and a gift card.  I know our families are planning on being plenty generous--both Mike's side and my own--but it's nice to know that if I don't want to, I don't have to go Christmas shopping this year and whatnot.  Christmas cards were something Mike and I always did the weekend after everyone left from Thanksgiving, so I'm debating whether or not I am going to do them this year.  In a sense I've felt that I should return all this goodwill of which I've been a recipient.  On the other hand, to do it myself feels heartbreaking and I have yet to finish my thank you notes from the summer, so probably I should consider finishing them off before I stress about them any further!

But my Secret Santa emails me every day with pretty keen insights into my character.  Whoever is behind the whole thing is genuinely interested in helping me have a good holiday and beyond and has taken the time to really get to know me--I filled out a lengthy questionnaire about myself, which was hard since I felt like it was a bit "gimme"-ish.  But then I figured I would just answer honestly and let whoever is my secret Santa do what they wanted with the information.  It really is reaffirming that a presumed stranger cares so much for me right now.  It has been a lift to the spirits, to say the least.

So this week, I hope to get the interest back up in the site, get the word out some more.  My sister and i have been discussing starting a foundation from this and her goal for us is to save 100 homes for people in similar circumstances to mine.  The more we talk to people, the more we realize I am hardly unique or alone in my circumstances.  What does make me unique is my willingness to publicly announce that I need help and to accept help in whatever forms it takes.  In addition to the financial assistance I've received thus far, I've also received a lot of legal advice, community resources and information, and offers of places to go visit and get away from it all.  Dad and I have a lot of calls to make on Monday so that I can find out what else I can be doing about this mortgage situation and hopefully getting it resolved, and lots of ideas that I never would have thought of. (Maybe I'll record my next call to Homeward America so you can all hear the runaround I've been getting!)

I am so thankful to all of you for helping me to get to this point in less than 1 week's time, which I really find extraordinary.  In December, I will be able to make my CitiMortgage payment and continuing to keep that current is my goal.  I got a letter in the mail from them today that they have received my paperwork and we should hear from them and get somewhere in the next 30 days.  I read this article in the Washington Post yesterday, and it really addresses our situation beautifully.  I hope the President will address the situation because it is true--underwater mortgages undermine the ability of the mortgagee to do much of anything but continue to throw money into a black hole.

I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and have a great Christmas season--I'm looking forward to the things I'll be doing in December including singing with my choir, going to a bajillion Christmas pageants, and bringing Christmas goodies to the neighbors to thank them for their assistance this year.  We are blessed in a million ways. 

So this morning started off with a bang.  There was one donation overnight, but I also received an offer that for Black Friday, an anonymous donor was willing to offer a match up to a total of $250, which means if we get $250 donated, he'll match it and we'll wind up with $500, or any portion thereof.  We have done this while volunteering at NPR and it has been wildly successful, so I'm hoping maybe some folks will step forward on Black Friday and take just a minute from their shopping and drop off just a buck. 

I also received a donation today from a young lady who gave up one of her horseback riding lessons just so she could send us a beautiful donation.  I was so moved by a young person making that kind of sacrifice for us, and it helped cement my determination.  I also received a letter from a young woman in college who has decided with the student leadership team at the school that they will hold a campus fundraiser for us.  I am hopeful that they are able to do so and are able to be successful, but am thankful even just for the thought.

Later on today I started to receive feedback from some of my inner circle about this project.  It was difficult to hear some of what they had to say, because the fact is, I didn't disagree with it.  But I guess because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, I really have to go with my gut and do what in my heart I think is the right thing to do.  I heard from some other members of my inner circle a couple of days ago who also disagreed with my decision making on this matter and offered up their suggestions.  I keep replaying the phone calls and emails in my head and thinking "What if they're right?"  "Does this make me a bad mom?"  "Should I just cut my losses and leave?"  "Could I have done something different or better?"  "Don't I give people enough credit for what they can do, or do I just feel alone even if I'm not?"  "Is this a bad idea?"

I don't know.  That's the honest answer.  I don't know the answer to all those questions.  I started out doing this project not really expecting it to go anywhere.  It's been successful beyond my wildest expectations.  I now dream that maybe if we actually succeed at saving Leah's house, we could go on to help other people in similar circumstances--people who don't know what to do and where to go.  I'm already thinking of ways to pay it forward and give back.

I sat and talked with my dad tonight, who is also not fully in support of this project. I explained to him all that I was going through and how I was feeling and how hard it was to cope with anything.  He spent 4 hours with Leah today and she ran him ragged.  She was so excited to have her grandfather here.  But at the end of the evening when he said he needed to go to the grocery store, she started screaming and crying that she didn't want him to leave her.  Not in a "it's fun having PopPop here" kind of way, but in an "Oh my God, you're leaving and never coming back, what am I going to do?!" kind of way.  After talking with him about all that and more, he realized that this isn't simply a dollars and cents issue, but it is an issue of safety and security and routine and love, and he isn't able to provide the money that we would need to finish this off.  He now understands that while I'm trying to grieve, I'm trying to manage a grieving child, and receiving calls every day from the banksters is not helping with my mental and emotional state.

Out of deference and respect, and in hopes of maybe soothing some of the hurt that's been caused, I've made a few changes to the site.  I'm removing my husband's information from the site.  I don't feel right about including his information as well as the information about Leah and me.  I feel badly enough including Leah, but let's face it, if my ugly mug were on the front page, I wouldn't probably get a dime!  I have also scaled back the goal of the project from paying off the mortgages to simply getting the mortgages current and paying off the second mortgage, leaving me with the first.  As I sat and listened to my inner voice, it did tell me that maybe I was being a little bit greedy, and I've ready some comments on people's Facebook that said, "She wants how much!?"  The money I'd still like to raise is a lot, and if we go above, maybe I'll go back to the original estimate, but I think I'd be more than satisfied with just paying off the second mortgage, telling Citi to take a hike and hoping against hope that Homeward is going to help me out.

I hope that these small steps will assuage some of the fear and pain and other feelings that may have arisen, which I unwittingly caused and which I deeply, deeply regret.  I spent the entire day crying and feeling like the lowest piece of garbage on the face of the Earth.  Around 4:30, the doorbell rang and the flowers in the above picture arrived.  They had a beautiful message on them about how I needed a secret Santa too and now I have one.  I collapsed against my dad and sobbed uncontrollably, which scared Leah, who was not convinced when Dad said, "Mommy is crying because she's happy."  In my haste to care for my child, I often neglect myself, and it is so comforting that someone out there is maybe watching out for me and so many of you are cheering me on.

With sincere gratitude,
Susan